toxic thought waste site

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Monday, January 08, 2007

The after life: now with hot and cold running virgins

I'm always looking at how to fast track my way to heaven. Not believing in heaven makes this pretty hard, but I like a challenge. On that vein I've been pondering the glorious route of the suicide bomber and his 70 virgins awaiting him in the afterlife. There are a number of things that puzzle me about this scheme, I must admit. Instant access to heaven seems pretty cool, but what's up with the 70 virgins? I guess if you are a virgin junky that sounds pretty cool at first, but think about it: you have to make these nubile love slaves last for eternity. And they'll only be virgins once. So you'd really need to pace yourself. Maybe dip into the virgin pool once every 1000 years. But even at that pace you'd run through your virgins in a relative blink of an eye and have nothing but non-virgins for the rest of eternity. So caveat emptor I guess.

But more importantly seems like you could do a lot better than 70 virgins. Really I think you'd want 70 highly trained call girls. Something like a spaceship full of Inara's from Firefly. Wouldn't that be a much better reward than a bunch of inexperienced virgins?

I wonder where these virgins come from? Are they just young girls who died on earth and now are in the afterlife servicing strangers? That would be some eternal reward. Good job on getting to heaven now hop on this bed while this stranger rapes you for eternity. Or does god handcraft the virgins from scratch? Do they have souls, freewill? Do they get to choose which suicide bomber they get enslaved to?

Almost makes you wonder if this view of heaven was designed by men for men. Of course if Aristotle was correct that women are deformed men without souls, then it's really no big deal.

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I assumed that you would always have 70 virgins on hand. Use one, then another pops in out of the ether. If that's not the case I'm going to have to rethink my life philosophy. I mean, if the 70 virgins really have to last a whole eternity, that's practically an infinite time between virgins. I'm doing better in THIS life!!! Maybe I'll untape this bomb from my body and check out what deals the Mormons or J-Witnesses have to offer.

Fri Jan 12, 10:59:00 AM  
Blogger evtujo said...

It's even worse that that. I've been brushing up on my Arabic and apparently it's not 70 virgins each, but just 70 virgins total. Sorry dude.

Fri Jan 12, 09:16:00 PM  

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