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Thursday, March 01, 2007

Free Legal Advice

Dear Christian weight loss cult glue stick murderers,

I've been thinking about your plight. IANAL, but I offer you this free legal advice in the hopes of helping you triumph in the face of this obvious assault on your freedom of religion.

Beating kids (to death) with glue sticks just doesn't sound too good. Honestly this will be one of your biggest challenges. I think thefirst thing you need to do is show a "regular" glue stick of a couple of inches in length as purchased from Office Depot and imply how ridiculous it would be to beat someone to death with something like that. If they claim that these were 1 ft long glue sticks then look at them like they are crazy. You might then rhetorically ask "Where does one even get a 1 ft glue stick?" [BTW, I'm curious, is there any legitimate reason to have something like this that is not related to corporal punishment?]

Next, belonging to a Christian weight loss cult might seem like a liability as far as seeming sane goes but I think you can really make this work toward your side. First of all I believe the failure rate for dieting is about 101%. In other words for every 100 people who try to diet 100 people fail and another person just randomly starts getting fat. Does your group have a proven success rate? If so I think that is a bona fide proof of a miracle. Clearly if you have miracles then God is on your side. If God is on your side (and he has an infinitely long glue stick) then no one can stand against you. I would make the presence of your powerful glue stick wielding deity as apparent as possible to the court so they realize that they have no power over you. In my experience this is best done with a shaking fist though speaking in tongues doesn't hurt either.

Now that you've convinced them that God exists and is all powerful, point out that the OT is very clear about how children are to be dealt with. If they are skeptical point them to the chapter in Leviticus (I don't have a Bible with me right now, but you know the one I mean) dedicated to the various offenses that require a beating by glue stick and the various lengths and diameters of glue sticks that should be used.

Good luck!

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